Process: Just A Little

This isn’t really a poem so much as it’s a song. Or, at least that’s how I wrote it. Sometimes I write musically instead of poetically. I get a rhythm in my head and just start writing. I don’t know enough about music to explain the melody, but hopefully my line breaks help a little.

Anyway, I wrote this one because I have been kind of depressed lately. I’m the kind of person who is always trying to “be better”. I think that’s a good philosophy, but it’s also kind of exhausting. For example: I’m a very nice person. But my nicety often gets me in trouble. I interfere when I’m not asked. I let people hurt me over and over. And working with my therapist, I’ve realized that I should have firmer boundaries. I shouldn’t let people mistreat me. But by removing myself from “bad situations”, I’m removing myself from helping. I’m not self-sacrificing, which is good, but self-sacrifice is a bit of who I am as a person. So by behaving in healthier ways, I find myself behaving like someone else. And I like who I am. How can I be better and still be me?

That was the motivation for this poem/song. I’m struggling a lot with trying to figure out how I can continue to keep the parts of me that I cherish even when those parts are not good for me. And what are the consequences if I follow through? What are the consequences if I don’t?

My favorite lines of this poem are the prechorus sections:
”How can a candle stand to melt away?
How can the flame look so gentle as it sways?”
and
”What is an asteroid if it leaves the belt?
Is this how the ship of Thesues must have felt?”

When I sing it, these parts slow down a little. Each line takes about the same time as the three lines before it. So “If I explore the depths of my heart, I wish we could all wind up back at the start” is the same count as “what is an astroid if it leaves the belt”. Honestly, they should probably be their own stanzas…

I digress. I think I like these parts because they aren’t metaphors; they are explorations. Saying “I’m just another victim, I’m just another target” is a reference to me. To the feelings I have. I’m describing a feeling within me. But those prechorus parts are questions. They are like “am I like this?” or “is this something similar to me?”. Those parts kind of embody the whole point of the poem. Those are the parts that can’t help but adventure into new territory, looking for new paths, new ways to grow. Which is the very thing I’m afraid of.

So yeah, this one was a bit more personal than usual.